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I know my words are like daggers, but they cut me too

Sep. 29th, 2004 | 02:23 pm

Current Music: norma jean - memphis will be laid to waste

Time for an update. Actually, I don’t even do this anymore, I just come to this when I need to vent, or when all I do is think.
Remember when I used to write in here ALL the time? I remember when I used to fucking update this hooch up to 3 times a day...what the hell did I have to say?
=>loser<=
Now, what was it again that I had to say?
My mom is pissing me off. And I’m in one of those rebellious teen moods where I’d like to pack all my shit in my bag, grab my keys and take off to...well, Saskatoon now. I almost did on Sunday. And yesterday. Came really close yesterday. But then I wouldn’t be able to come back. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing? I know once I leave, or when I leave it’s not going to be pretty b/c in reality, I don’t want to leave, and mom & dad don’t want me to leave & the thing is is that we all care so much [maybe too much?] that we’re going to be trying to deal with this big change & none of us is going to know how to deal with it...how to act, etc. so we’re gonna get bitchy, cranky & rude. I’m already doing it. Cuz mom & dad are all tense from harvest, and I’m the one they come home to so I get shit for nothing, so then I get bitchy and then they bitch at me for being bitchy. Well fuck you guys I don’t need that shit either cuz I’m not having the most well of times right now either, but they’d never know it.
I wanna see killswitch again, : (
I had to make a quick trip to Fort Q last night to meet uncle bob there to get a part for the grain truck. So there I was driving along, all alone in the dark & just thinking. It was so boring. I just wanna see Juston. He makes everything beautiful again. I swear to shit, if I was bawling my eyes out and feeling so low I could die and he came into my view everything would just be put on hold. It’s like he’s a big fat pause button for everything bad & I feel so good inside & outside. He makes me relaxed, I’m not completely relaxed around anyone anymore. I feel so different, o god ...I’m growing up.
I kinda have to make a decision where I’m going to move to...so I can start looking for jobs BEFORE I move. I doubt it’ll be Regina anymore...this is stupid cuz I’ve wanted to move there for as long as I can remember, and so much of my family is there, & I already have a truck-load (harhar) of friends there...so pretty much, I already have a life started there. But he’s not there tho, and I need him, more than anything. But really, cities aren’t that different. Like mark says on SLC Punk. “...cars, roads, jobs, what else do you think is out there?” “freedom” . and as matt good says: “the only way to find freedom is in the dictionary” god I love that line. So, what’s the big deal Meghan? Take a itsy bitsy risk in the big scheme of life. I’m just scared of making the wrong decision, but that’s totally contradicting my whole personal way of thinking. Cuz I think that there isn’t such thing as a right or wrong decision, it’s just a choice that you have make the best of. Everyone will have a different opinion of each of your choices, and who is to judge what you do anyways? I just want to be happy, is that so bad?
I’ve been doing so much thinking lately, pretty much since Avin’s accident. It’s really hit me that life is short as hell, like really. Yeah, some could say it’s long, cuz really, what’s longer than life? Nothing, but it’s so short. Everything can be taken away like *that* (snap your fingers). I want to do so much, and experience so much, whether it’s good or bad, it’s all experience, and the more the better. I miss him so much. I’m waiting for his name to pop-up on msn. I’m waiting to see him out around Kelliher for a party. I dunno, what do you do when a friend dies? Stop thinking about them? I can’t. everything seems either highly significant, or totally useless. I just want to make the best of every day. And I wanna get some sort of tattoo that says “embrace today” or something along the lines of “life is short so fucking be happy & do what you want.” But uh...there’s no way I’m puttin 12 words on my body. SO!

I really hope I can make it in for the planet smashers. They make me smile. Who ever said ska was dead can go fuck themselves. Cuz if I miss them TOO I’m gonna be mad...again. I’m so ready to skank it the fuck UP.
Why the hell did the weather have to be so godam fucking shitty this summer? Cuz if it wasn’t, then we’d be done combining already & I could have went to see Juston last weekend & we coulda went to see the fuck casualties. Nothing like missing one of your favorite bands, I like missing great stuff, it’s just the best! And I’d know for sure if I can go to the planet smashers or will we still be combining? And I have to do shit before I turn 18 otherwise it gets expensive...
I just need to do something, a purpose would be nice.